Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
You Might Also Like
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind