What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
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It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Herpes is trending, good job people
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog