Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
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My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
barbara was highly relatable
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
i have one speed and it’s mosey
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight