If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
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If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook đź‘Ś
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.