Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
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Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
New Tinder profile.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.