Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
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Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
We found love in a hopeless place.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.