I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
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My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.