Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
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Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.