my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
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Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why