If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
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Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…