How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
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Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.