We cut our bangs at dawn.
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I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.