“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
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Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Pretty much. 🤣
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.