I was up all night reading about insomnia
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I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.