I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
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Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Love this one 😂🧟
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
United Steaks of America
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot