The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
You Might Also Like
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?