This is hilarious….
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At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.