My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
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Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.