I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
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Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
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Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.