i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
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4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*