If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
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One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
School be like