[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
You Might Also Like
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.