pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
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79.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*