My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
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Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
at ease…shoulder.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”