Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
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“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I only treason on days ending in y
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.