my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
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My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class