I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
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My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
yeah 😭
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
? 💀
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office