7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
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“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Cool shirt 🙂
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!