Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
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British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests