[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
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Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]