In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
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It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
rapatouille
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
This trial is so absurd 😭
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Kids, do not try this at home!
thanks auntie mary
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.