White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
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Kermit goes Blue.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.