a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
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*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.