[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
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When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?