by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
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Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Always the camel, never the toe.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
“Sheer Arrogance”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.