[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
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*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.