Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
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when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
We cut our bangs at dawn.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.