I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
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Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
That de-escalated quickly