Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
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My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Netflix and awkward silence?
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.