“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
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My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
doing your own taxes
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Every damn time
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?