Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
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u spoke cat all this time??????
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄