I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
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Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Kids, do not try this at home!
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?