After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
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The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
😂🤣😂🤣
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.