This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table đ
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In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, âYouâve been a great mommyâŚ.so far.â
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
when someoneâs guiding me into a parking spot:
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, âI know. Thatâs why Iâm not in there.â
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like âget some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to deathâ, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I canât get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose whatâs for dinner.
And now we wait.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
iâm sure itâs fine
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Motherâs Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.