While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
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Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there