MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
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Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Is….Is this an option?
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.