*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
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I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Don’t snitch tag.