me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
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My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.