“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
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Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.