Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
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Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.